I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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