Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize