I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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