I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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