woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
