Can i not drive my cunt home
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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