Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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