Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
