I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
how drunk are you?
Several
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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