Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
