I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
