i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
