but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize