I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
