I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
