shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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