I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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