remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
