yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
