My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
