Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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