quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
