There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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