I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
