her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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