I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
