Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
