He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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