My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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