remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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