I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I am spending my child support on dildos
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
