genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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