wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
