Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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