Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize