I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Will exercising make me less horny?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
