You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
