If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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