ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
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