Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Dick very happy bro
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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