CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
