i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
