You were right. It hurts to walk today.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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