I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
