i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
