i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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