Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
