She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Randomize
