DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
