Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize