if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize