You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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