does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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