when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
